This is a drug/love log. I've about 3/4 gram of methadrone. I'm with Jess, my all. This should be interesting.

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1.57am

Nick: Wish I'd started this sober, but alas, I did not. Taken quite a lot, really. Needed to feel something. ANything. Just to know this shit is the shit. Which it is. But yes. Feeling great. Fast. Fast. My mind's swimming. My figers are trip[ping, almost, they seem to be dancing across this plain that is the keyboard. Good times. Good timnes. This shit tastes shit. In the nostril, it seeps down int othe mouth. ahhh

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3.52am

Jess (not high): All the things i've stored away in my mind and never been able to confront, everything, every little fear, mistake, insecurity, surpression, has just come flooding out. I opened my mind and thought out loud. Completely, with no hesitation except to realise there is no reason to fear making mself vulnerable to someone else, someone i love. only when you're most vulnerable can you properly become whole with another person. now i'm vulnerable i'm free. he's set me free. he knows me inside out. i'm completely free, completely happy. completely in love. completely able to be myself without fears. like with art, i paint to let something out that i want to objectively analyse or let go of. ive got that, and now i can move on with nick. Free.

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'Altering scale and views drawing on cubism and the philosophical construct to show the way in which our institutions of democracy and religion are broken down into instruments of an instituational evil that exceeds any individual and only exists with our acceptance of it's inevitability.'
(The above quote I found on Jess' phone, from an old fancy of hers. It's on some art idea or something. How shockingly pretentious is that?! By God...)

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04.31am

Nick (not high, though once I've written let's say...three lines...I'll have three lines) : It's been another deep one tonight - a very, very deep conversation. I was all like 'free yor mind, thoughts to speech, sense not important, be freeeeee' with some weird eye movements and shit, this stuff is like mdma mixed with coke, it's euphoric and lovely. But like, it fades away rather quickly. It acts as a truth serum, I swear. I like to be reserved. We live in one cynical world, and anybody else with seperated parents will testify to the fact that 'love' is a myth, or at least it seems like it is a good portion of the time. Soi when you think you've found it, you're very, very cautious. That drug takes you over the edge, eliminates the fear, and actually let's you fucking FEEL something. (time for more meth).

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05.07am

Jess: I'm scared of chalk.

Nick: When we're children, see, we say what we want. We talk, we ask quesdtions, we poke people, we dance about, we get excited, we run around, we tease each other in a really, really upfront manner.
And then, you start to grow up. You learn to become reserved, to be polite, to respect your elders, to bitch behind people's backs for politics' sake. You learn to play by the rules, or you are not allowed to play the game. You learn of various taboo, and you learn, most miportantly of all...TO HIDE YOUR FEAR, YOUR INSECURITY, ALL THAT JAZZ, YOUR VICES, THE DRUGS, THE HURT, THE SEXUAL PERVERSIONS....
So let us learn in reverse. Let us return to being like little children, so I urge us, sit, talk, think, speak freely, let's be open. Those like children shall enter into the kingdom of God.

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0534

Nick : Time to finish this meth. There's a fair bit. What is to follow will be pretty mashed up.

5:59

Jess: Half the meth to go. Sock over the fire alarm in anticipation of a cigarette. Decided to go outside instead, where, i would like to note, it is beginning to get light.


08:20

Nick: Right. Mission accomplished. The meth has gone up mon nostile to the brain or something like that. it's not that anything's changed as such, it's just that when youre fucked reality seems ten times richer than it normally is. some might call it euphoria, but i have no idea. it's morning time. yet no one is awake save me amd my Jess, wwe spent all night talking and laying ourselves open. nights like these theyre better than sex. theyre better than drink. and theyre better than the meth itself. perhaps one day we'll be like this forever. it feels like we're in some sort of sacred sanctuary, tucked away hiddened away, which can neither be seen or heard and no heart can fully know. the world's not a sanctuary as such, but it's a temple. a temple with two. possibility. but it's time for sleep.